Dear Ghosts, Goblins, Ghouls and Gremlins,
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat . . . no thank you."
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets?
Bootiques.
What did the mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until you're spoken to.
What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettucinni Afraid-o.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
The Commish
Congratulations to our bar tender, Gorgus, and server, English Muffin, who were first (with a goose egg!) and second in the Outlaw Line! I'll be paying you with bottlecaps like everyone else!